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Fic: "Perfect"
I AM SO, SO, SO SORRY.
The bunny was biting. JJ wouldn't put it down. I had to write it. Forgive me.
Perfect
You know, God has a sick sense of humor.
I really loved Dee a lot, for a long time. Oh, not like some kind of creepy obsession where I'd want to fling myself off a building if he didn't love me; I'm not that pathetic. I can and did live without his love for years in the academy, and I was actually fully prepared to continue doing so when I came to the 27th and found him there.
But I always did hope that one day, one day he'd see what he was missing and come to me. I made it clear that I was available, waiting for him, hoping. Always hoping. I always thought that having Dee would somehow make everything perfect.
I never really wanted it like this, though.
Not with Dee such a mess, halfway broken and coming to my bed looking for nothing past comfort.
I was there when it happened, but I don't remember seeing Ryou fall. I'm not even sure I heard the gunshot, I was too focused on bringing down our perp. I remember feeling so damn proud of myself when I managed to get him down and cuffed even though he had to be twice my size, and I remember hearing everything get quiet around me. That should probably have clued me in to the fact that something was wrong, but I turned around grinning like an idiot anyway, so goddamn proud of myself--
--and Ryou was on the ground bleeding from his head, and Dee had just seen him and he made the strangest little noise and Drake was already dialing for help...
The doctors said that Ryou was lucky. That the bullet just missed hitting his brain, just missed killing him or causing any lasting damage, and that all he had to do was wake up. They said it like it was the simplest thing in the world.
It didn't look simple. Lying there on the hospital bed with tubes feeding into him, with his head in bandages and his breath fogging against the oxygen mask, Ryou just looked like something broken.
I'm glad that when Ryou's aunt was contacted to take custody of Bikky and make a decision for Ryou, she chose to leave Ryou on life support. I don't even want to speculate what Dee might have done if she hadn't.
For some time after Ryou's injury, it was a major topic of conversation. People talked about it at the precinct, but stopped if they saw Dee coming. Dee kept getting these sympathetic looks from everyone at work. He didn't talk about it, didn't really talk about much of anything, but once I saw him crush his empty coffee cup in his hand when somebody passing by gave him a pitying glance. There was something boiling in him.
After about a month or two of that, I finally approached Dee. I let him know that if he needed any help or support, I would be there.
I don't even remember the details of that conversation anymore, just how Dee looked like he wanted to punch me in the jaw when I finished talking and how I quickly excused myself before he decided to do it.
But that night, he did show up at my door. I remember feeling like my heart was going to stop, and at the same time almost wishing I hadn't offered anything at all. He looked so desperate, even vulnerable. I never wanted to see my Dee-senpai like that.
I let him in anyway. And he cried on my couch while I held him and wondered how often he'd cried since the incident, or if this was the first time. And then...
Well, I hadn't offered sex. Or any sort of couple-y stuff, really. It had seemed completely inappropriate to try and come on to him when he was so obviously missing Ryou. But somehow, that night, with Dee broken down and needing and seeming so, so alone...
We set the terms right away after we'd finished. I didn't want anything if he had to force himself to give it, so no dates or romance or anything. I would just be available if he needed me. And I wanted more even as I said that, and I felt selfish for it. I took nothing back, though. The terms stood.
They've stood for almost a year since then.
Isn't it funny how sometimes you get something you always wanted, and you don't really want it anymore?
I've never asked him to try and love me - not when I know he's still waiting for Ryou to open his eyes. And ever since we started sleeping together, I've never told him straight to his face that I love him. I don't think he needs to be reminded of that. I'd just as soon let him forget, in fact. He's only here for comfort, and I know that, and he knows that, and he doesn't need to be thinking about my feelings when we're doing it.
Ha. Aren't I just the sweet little martyr?
There're nights when I feel almost sick, when I just want to run out of the room screaming because I finally have Dee in my arms and it's horribly, horribly wrong. There's nights when I really realize that this can't be healthy, it just can't. And I can't stop. I'm sure he's slowly becoming dependent, and I'm slowly falling out of love with him, and we just can't stop. Even when just the thought of it makes me cringe, I can't tell him we have to stop it. Because it's Dee, and this is what I always wanted, isn't it?
Sometimes, when the curtains are drawn and all the lights are off and it's only by sound and touch that we can even find each other, he lets himself go and loses himself in the sex. Then he'll kiss me, and he'll whisper in my ear. And that would be perfect, except the name he's saying starts with an R. But I'll still hold him close and kiss him back, and even though it's becoming less and less true, that's when I'll tell him that I love him. If he wants to believe for a little while that he's with Ryou, I'll let him have that.
In a way, I guess I've given him up. I have him, but not the way I wanted - and I'll never have him that way. I know that now, but I still can't stop myself, I can't step away, and I can't make him step away. I know we'll both hold on to this loveless fling until Dee gets what he really needs. I know that's something I can't offer.
I've given up Dee, but I haven't given up hope. That's one thing that's great about me. I never give up hope. I'm just hoping for something else now.
I'm hoping Ryou will wake up soon.
wah.
The bunny was biting. JJ wouldn't put it down. I had to write it. Forgive me.
Perfect
You know, God has a sick sense of humor.
I really loved Dee a lot, for a long time. Oh, not like some kind of creepy obsession where I'd want to fling myself off a building if he didn't love me; I'm not that pathetic. I can and did live without his love for years in the academy, and I was actually fully prepared to continue doing so when I came to the 27th and found him there.
But I always did hope that one day, one day he'd see what he was missing and come to me. I made it clear that I was available, waiting for him, hoping. Always hoping. I always thought that having Dee would somehow make everything perfect.
I never really wanted it like this, though.
Not with Dee such a mess, halfway broken and coming to my bed looking for nothing past comfort.
I was there when it happened, but I don't remember seeing Ryou fall. I'm not even sure I heard the gunshot, I was too focused on bringing down our perp. I remember feeling so damn proud of myself when I managed to get him down and cuffed even though he had to be twice my size, and I remember hearing everything get quiet around me. That should probably have clued me in to the fact that something was wrong, but I turned around grinning like an idiot anyway, so goddamn proud of myself--
--and Ryou was on the ground bleeding from his head, and Dee had just seen him and he made the strangest little noise and Drake was already dialing for help...
The doctors said that Ryou was lucky. That the bullet just missed hitting his brain, just missed killing him or causing any lasting damage, and that all he had to do was wake up. They said it like it was the simplest thing in the world.
It didn't look simple. Lying there on the hospital bed with tubes feeding into him, with his head in bandages and his breath fogging against the oxygen mask, Ryou just looked like something broken.
I'm glad that when Ryou's aunt was contacted to take custody of Bikky and make a decision for Ryou, she chose to leave Ryou on life support. I don't even want to speculate what Dee might have done if she hadn't.
For some time after Ryou's injury, it was a major topic of conversation. People talked about it at the precinct, but stopped if they saw Dee coming. Dee kept getting these sympathetic looks from everyone at work. He didn't talk about it, didn't really talk about much of anything, but once I saw him crush his empty coffee cup in his hand when somebody passing by gave him a pitying glance. There was something boiling in him.
After about a month or two of that, I finally approached Dee. I let him know that if he needed any help or support, I would be there.
I don't even remember the details of that conversation anymore, just how Dee looked like he wanted to punch me in the jaw when I finished talking and how I quickly excused myself before he decided to do it.
But that night, he did show up at my door. I remember feeling like my heart was going to stop, and at the same time almost wishing I hadn't offered anything at all. He looked so desperate, even vulnerable. I never wanted to see my Dee-senpai like that.
I let him in anyway. And he cried on my couch while I held him and wondered how often he'd cried since the incident, or if this was the first time. And then...
Well, I hadn't offered sex. Or any sort of couple-y stuff, really. It had seemed completely inappropriate to try and come on to him when he was so obviously missing Ryou. But somehow, that night, with Dee broken down and needing and seeming so, so alone...
We set the terms right away after we'd finished. I didn't want anything if he had to force himself to give it, so no dates or romance or anything. I would just be available if he needed me. And I wanted more even as I said that, and I felt selfish for it. I took nothing back, though. The terms stood.
They've stood for almost a year since then.
Isn't it funny how sometimes you get something you always wanted, and you don't really want it anymore?
I've never asked him to try and love me - not when I know he's still waiting for Ryou to open his eyes. And ever since we started sleeping together, I've never told him straight to his face that I love him. I don't think he needs to be reminded of that. I'd just as soon let him forget, in fact. He's only here for comfort, and I know that, and he knows that, and he doesn't need to be thinking about my feelings when we're doing it.
Ha. Aren't I just the sweet little martyr?
There're nights when I feel almost sick, when I just want to run out of the room screaming because I finally have Dee in my arms and it's horribly, horribly wrong. There's nights when I really realize that this can't be healthy, it just can't. And I can't stop. I'm sure he's slowly becoming dependent, and I'm slowly falling out of love with him, and we just can't stop. Even when just the thought of it makes me cringe, I can't tell him we have to stop it. Because it's Dee, and this is what I always wanted, isn't it?
Sometimes, when the curtains are drawn and all the lights are off and it's only by sound and touch that we can even find each other, he lets himself go and loses himself in the sex. Then he'll kiss me, and he'll whisper in my ear. And that would be perfect, except the name he's saying starts with an R. But I'll still hold him close and kiss him back, and even though it's becoming less and less true, that's when I'll tell him that I love him. If he wants to believe for a little while that he's with Ryou, I'll let him have that.
In a way, I guess I've given him up. I have him, but not the way I wanted - and I'll never have him that way. I know that now, but I still can't stop myself, I can't step away, and I can't make him step away. I know we'll both hold on to this loveless fling until Dee gets what he really needs. I know that's something I can't offer.
I've given up Dee, but I haven't given up hope. That's one thing that's great about me. I never give up hope. I'm just hoping for something else now.
I'm hoping Ryou will wake up soon.
wah.
no subject
Very well expressed.