fuyu | (no subject)

It's done.

Rest in peace, old guy. You had a good long run, and we did the best we could by you. You may've been a little aggravating at times, but you were loved. We'll miss you.

It's a cool and cloudy day today, thanks to the lovely rain we had last night. I guess if you've gotta die, today wasn't such a bad day to do it.

We dug him a grave out in the side yard. We told my niece and nephew last night what was going to happen, and they insisted on helping to bury him. The only reason I didn't cry with them while we were digging was because I got my sobbing out at the vet. (I'd expected it to hit a lot harder, but I guess I was more prepared than I thought.)

Afterwards, we found the pictures of him on the digicam's memory cards, and I'm sure physical photos will eventually turn up. For now, I've uploaded what I've got.

I expect this to ambush me unexpectedly over the next few days or weeks - sudden thoughts that he's not here anymore - but for now I'm holding up as well as I can. Thanks, everyone, for your condolences in the previous post. It really helps.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I know you didn't intend it, but I am a little bit amused by your typo of his name. XD

Yeah... In all honesty, I still sort of feel horrible - this was the first time I ever had any stake in the decision to euthanize, and I was the one who coaxed him out from under the bed this morning. Dad had failed to root him out, but when I got down and talked softly to him, he came out readily. I almost feel like it would've been easier on me if we'd just left him alone, and he'd come out of his own accord later. As it is, I almost feel like I betrayed his trust.

But, having previously confessed this, I was told that, if anything, I fulfilled his trust in me to do the right thing for him; and it was probably better, anyway, for him to be carried out by someone he did trust, and I did keep him in my arms all the way to the vet. He didn't die wanting for love.

I am special like that. Sorry, Pudge!

Believe me when I say that letting him go on his own accord is MUCH, MUCH worse. If I'd known ahead of time that Yuuki was going to go that weekend, I would have taken her to the vet immediately. It was a much better thing when we put down our dog, many years ago. She went quietly, peacefully, surrounded by the people that loved her. And that's much better than going out 'naturally', regardless of how having to CHOOSE might feel at the time.

Once the hurt fades a little, it's much easier to look back and realize that you did exactly what you should have. You were with him, he knew he was safe and that it was going to be alright. That's the only thing you can do, in the end. The best decisions are often the most difficult to make.

Oh, no, that's not what I meant at all. No, I saw our other tabby die like that, ten years ago or so, and... no. Never again. I will not leave an animal to die again. Euthanasia is nineteen kinds of emotional horrible, but it's better than that.

No, what I meant is it would've been easier if we'd just waited for him to come out from under the bed. XD; I feel guilty specifically because I was the one he trusted enough to walk out to, but Dad was the one who didn't want to deal with euthanasia and I was the one who was pulling for it to make a clean, easy end.

But, yeah. It's still sore to prod at now, and I expect it to be sore for a long time - childhood cat - but yeah. This isn't the first time I've lost a pet, or the first time it was by euthanasia at the point of no further options, I know life goes on and I'll heal.