random stop on tonight's train of thought

[fuyu]

It's kind of interesting. On the one hand, I can't wait to go to Florida. On the other hand, I'm a little worried at how high my hopes are for going. I'm sort of half-expecting this huge personal renaissance, I think I more or less need that since I'm so shit at social skills, responsibility, and general adult competence all at once; and if I go to Disney World and I work there for five months and it doesn't happen I'm going to be pretty disappointed.

Also, in the back of my mind I'm terrified. I've never done any more significant work work than those ten hours of volunteer work I did formatting watering charts for ASU, and now I'm going to be working attractions at freakin' Disney World. I'm sort of worried I'm going to explode.

I mean, I'm still going. That is non-negotiable. My spot's accepted, my fee is paid. I'm just worried about what'll happen once I'm there. I'm scared I won't be cut out for it.

Hahahaha, I'm probably not supposed to identify with Ben Kowalski so much, but every time I tell myself how much better I'll feel once I get to Florida, how much better I'll get at things from working at WDW, that line goes through my head. "I didn't want to find out the problem wasn't geography. Surprise. I'm fundamentally incapable. And now I'm twelve hundred miles from anyone who cares."

Of course, the context for that was Ben's realization that he's not. Here's hoping I handle my bump all right.

And here's hoping that in May I finally have some social skills.




ANYWAY. Tomorrow I have an early class, a costume to work on, some writing to do, and a game to pick up. Better sleep so I can handle all that.

Comments

[mercuriosity.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I know how you feel (and I love that quote). I'm off to the other side of the Pacific Ocean very soon to teach English for a year or more and I've got a similar cocktail of feelings going on: hope for the move, anxiety about said hope, and general fear at taking such a big step. I've been stuck in a rut for a while now, dealing with depression and a lot of personal discontent, and so I'm a little worried that I'm expecting too much from this new Thing--that if going and doing it doesn't solve all my problems, I'll be disappointed and probably even more depressed. Even though, rationally, I don't expect it to solve all my problems. I know it won't. But I guess my conscious mind is a little afraid that my unconscious mind doesn't know that.

Best of luck with everything! I hope you stay optimistic about the opportunities in front of you, but don't beat yourself up if you get there and feel like you aren't fully taking advantage of those opportunities. I know how easy that is. Remember that you're doing something really, really cool, and you should applaud yourself for that alone. I believe you can do it! And I hope it'll be a very positive experience for you.