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shouting in the darkness
Well, today was bipolar.
First, the bad shit.
Actually, this technically started about a week ago, when I made the mistake of starting to contemplate - in the wee hours of the morning, of course - the idea of death and mortality. Not in a way like you should be concerned for my safety or anything, just that kind of ill-timed ominous philosophy that comes on you at 3 AM. We've all done it, right?
Anyway, it scared the living bejibblies out of me. And I can't put it out of my mind. This has had the effect of throwing me into a neurotically terrified, existential, nihilistic funk for the past several days. It was a major contributing factor to my horrible panic attack the other day. I'm wrestling with the great cosmic questions over here, and getting really claustrophobic with the boundaries of my comprehension. It's been hard for me to look at, think of, or do anything without immediately going back to something like "what is the meaning of this thing's existence in this uncaring universe?"
Nihilism sucks, by the way. FYI.
It got even worse yesterday, too. Allow me to set the stage...
It's early in the morning - I've woken up too early, after far too little sleep, in order to meet my coworker and get a ride to K-Mart for work shoes. Naturally, the shoe department isn't open yet, so we wander off to the tiny eatery in the store. They're barely open. We're the only ones there. I order my breakfast, a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit, and get a bacon/egg/cheese sandwich because they don't have the biscuits - so few people buy them that, even though they remain on the menu, they don't even order them anymore.
While I eat, coworker looks through a book of maps from a display nearby. We sit in silence.
"So, you like maps, huh?"
"Yeah." She goes on, explaining what she finds so appealing - the sense of scale, seeing the shape of things. Maps are pretty intensely boring to me, but I think it's kind of cool how she likes them.
She flips to a page with a photo of a beautiful desert vista, and we talk about it briefly.
"There's so much beauty in the world," she says wistfully, "but people just..."
I make a sympathetic noise.
"I can't wait until 2012," she says. "Everyone says that's when the world's supposed to end."
Feel free to mentally insert a record scratch sound effect here. Hand in hand with my intense fear of death, I live under a monstrous dread of that date. I haven't been able to shake the paralyzing creeps it gives me, the internal countdown, the constant internal screaming of "but that's only four years there's so much I want to do I don't want to run out of time--"
So here we are, in this sad little micro-restaurant, with its cheap paper decorations and the wall panels advertising the delicious food you can't buy here, the menu that promises what there isn't enough demand to deliver. (I know, I know, play up a little more drama there Lyssie, but really, I can't describe just how lonely and desolate it all felt.) We're in this store to buy shoes, and now I'm fighting an internal battle between the two things that terrify me most.
That feeling lingers. It snuck up on me when I was having fun at Downtown Disney, which was hardly cricket. And it stuck around 'til today - that's the mindset I came to work in. That's the bad shit I mentioned. Suffice to say I didn't feel fabulously magical today.
... And yet, somehow, the magic happened.
Today was full of awesome things. The kickoff awesomeness actually came when I went on my break, still mildly freaking out... and when I got to the breakroom, randomly, Aladdin and Jasmine walked in from Morocco to buy some lunch from our little Aramark setup.
When I went back to bussing, it seemed like everything was just... right. We never got TOO busy or too boringly slow, one of my managers actually praised me, and I just kept having these great guest interactions. I talked with people about the colony flags on the wall. I gave out stickers "from Mickey" to kids. (Once as part of an interaction where I told three boys about our wishing fountain; I left the restaurant out front, waited a little while, then came back in to give them stickers: "I don't know if any of you guys wished for this, but..." One of the boys was like "I knew that wish would come true! 8D") I HEROICALLY RESCUED a ball for some little kids when they accidentally lost it on the backstage side of our fence, and got hugged for my valor when I got back onstage, I seriously felt like some kind of superhero.
This kind of thing just kept happening all day. Little candles lighting up in the darkness. I went from wanting to go home to Arizona and cuddle with my cats until the terror went away, to having some of the highest morale I've ever had at work.
It sort of felt like Disney World itself was trying to cheer me up. XD
It's not like I'm not still wrestling with the cosmic questions, but the nihilism's taking a serious beating from the pixie dust and I at least feel okay about life right now. ♥
Edit: ... uh, so, um. Hahaha. I just remembered something.
Our fountain? The story we tell is that it's water from Snow White's well, throw a pebble in and you might get your wish, etc. standard wishing well stuff.
The pebbles tend to get out of the fountain base and onto the floor. I picked one up off a table today, during the first half of the shift when I was still freaking out, and tossed it. I was aiming for the base with all the other pebbles, but it ended up in the water. So I half-jokingly wished not to be afraid.
Not long after, things started getting awesome, leaving me, if not strictly optimistic, then at least... haha... not afraid.
Haha. Ha. Um.
I have no idea what to make of this. 8D;
First, the bad shit.
Actually, this technically started about a week ago, when I made the mistake of starting to contemplate - in the wee hours of the morning, of course - the idea of death and mortality. Not in a way like you should be concerned for my safety or anything, just that kind of ill-timed ominous philosophy that comes on you at 3 AM. We've all done it, right?
Anyway, it scared the living bejibblies out of me. And I can't put it out of my mind. This has had the effect of throwing me into a neurotically terrified, existential, nihilistic funk for the past several days. It was a major contributing factor to my horrible panic attack the other day. I'm wrestling with the great cosmic questions over here, and getting really claustrophobic with the boundaries of my comprehension. It's been hard for me to look at, think of, or do anything without immediately going back to something like "what is the meaning of this thing's existence in this uncaring universe?"
Nihilism sucks, by the way. FYI.
It got even worse yesterday, too. Allow me to set the stage...
It's early in the morning - I've woken up too early, after far too little sleep, in order to meet my coworker and get a ride to K-Mart for work shoes. Naturally, the shoe department isn't open yet, so we wander off to the tiny eatery in the store. They're barely open. We're the only ones there. I order my breakfast, a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit, and get a bacon/egg/cheese sandwich because they don't have the biscuits - so few people buy them that, even though they remain on the menu, they don't even order them anymore.
While I eat, coworker looks through a book of maps from a display nearby. We sit in silence.
"So, you like maps, huh?"
"Yeah." She goes on, explaining what she finds so appealing - the sense of scale, seeing the shape of things. Maps are pretty intensely boring to me, but I think it's kind of cool how she likes them.
She flips to a page with a photo of a beautiful desert vista, and we talk about it briefly.
"There's so much beauty in the world," she says wistfully, "but people just..."
I make a sympathetic noise.
"I can't wait until 2012," she says. "Everyone says that's when the world's supposed to end."
Feel free to mentally insert a record scratch sound effect here. Hand in hand with my intense fear of death, I live under a monstrous dread of that date. I haven't been able to shake the paralyzing creeps it gives me, the internal countdown, the constant internal screaming of "but that's only four years there's so much I want to do I don't want to run out of time--"
So here we are, in this sad little micro-restaurant, with its cheap paper decorations and the wall panels advertising the delicious food you can't buy here, the menu that promises what there isn't enough demand to deliver. (I know, I know, play up a little more drama there Lyssie, but really, I can't describe just how lonely and desolate it all felt.) We're in this store to buy shoes, and now I'm fighting an internal battle between the two things that terrify me most.
That feeling lingers. It snuck up on me when I was having fun at Downtown Disney, which was hardly cricket. And it stuck around 'til today - that's the mindset I came to work in. That's the bad shit I mentioned. Suffice to say I didn't feel fabulously magical today.
... And yet, somehow, the magic happened.
Today was full of awesome things. The kickoff awesomeness actually came when I went on my break, still mildly freaking out... and when I got to the breakroom, randomly, Aladdin and Jasmine walked in from Morocco to buy some lunch from our little Aramark setup.
When I went back to bussing, it seemed like everything was just... right. We never got TOO busy or too boringly slow, one of my managers actually praised me, and I just kept having these great guest interactions. I talked with people about the colony flags on the wall. I gave out stickers "from Mickey" to kids. (Once as part of an interaction where I told three boys about our wishing fountain; I left the restaurant out front, waited a little while, then came back in to give them stickers: "I don't know if any of you guys wished for this, but..." One of the boys was like "I knew that wish would come true! 8D") I HEROICALLY RESCUED a ball for some little kids when they accidentally lost it on the backstage side of our fence, and got hugged for my valor when I got back onstage, I seriously felt like some kind of superhero.
This kind of thing just kept happening all day. Little candles lighting up in the darkness. I went from wanting to go home to Arizona and cuddle with my cats until the terror went away, to having some of the highest morale I've ever had at work.
It sort of felt like Disney World itself was trying to cheer me up. XD
It's not like I'm not still wrestling with the cosmic questions, but the nihilism's taking a serious beating from the pixie dust and I at least feel okay about life right now. ♥
Edit: ... uh, so, um. Hahaha. I just remembered something.
Our fountain? The story we tell is that it's water from Snow White's well, throw a pebble in and you might get your wish, etc. standard wishing well stuff.
The pebbles tend to get out of the fountain base and onto the floor. I picked one up off a table today, during the first half of the shift when I was still freaking out, and tossed it. I was aiming for the base with all the other pebbles, but it ended up in the water. So I half-jokingly wished not to be afraid.
Not long after, things started getting awesome, leaving me, if not strictly optimistic, then at least... haha... not afraid.
Haha. Ha. Um.
I have no idea what to make of this. 8D;
no subject
D'AWW Aladdin and Jasmine getting lunch though :D XDDDD
no subject
no subject
IT WAS SO COOL. Jasmine was wearing that periwinkle overcloak the costumed performers wear backstage sometimes, so I saw that first, then went "wow, that wig sure looks like OMFG IT'S ALADDIN AND JASMINE!!1". XD
I AM NOT SURE HOW TO REACT TO THE MAGIC SUDDENLY BEING REAL, SHI XD
no subject
I would have flailed and choked a little XDD. It's funny cause I'm a pretty chillaxed person and I get happy over characters even though I know "The Truth", but you put those two in front of me and I'm instantly 6 again XD
IT'S BEEN REAL THE WHOLE TIME, DEAR 8D
no subject
Heeee. XD It was cute, everyone in the breakroom kind of went ":D" a little.
Well this should fill my pixie dust banks for tomorrow anyway XD Oh shit, now I can tell the kids the fountain granted my wish! HEE HEE.
no subject
:D I use to get happy when Lilo and Stitch went into Pizzafari, too. No one there cared, though XD. "LOOK, LOOK WHO IT IS OMG :D" "We know :|"
You can do a testimonial for it XD
no subject
Booooo. XD Needs moar pixie dust!
I totally can wtf XD
no subject
It's one of the things that really made me sad when I was down there because there's a lot of grouches there D:
And what's great is they'll believe you either way just cause you work there XD
"You know Mickey Mouse? :O"
"Yeah! :D
He was on the bus with me this morning yelling at his girlfriend back at home because she told him not to do the CP because they'd grow apart but he said she was just being jealous and everything!" XDno subject
What a shame D:
XDDDDDDDDDDD
no subject
no subject
These last few days I've really come to understand why religion exists, I tell you what :D;
no subject
I KNOW BECAUSE OF MY LEARNINGS
no subject
without a proper biscuitwith a less-than-reassuring conversationalist at a time like that.But dude. :D That is so awesome how your day turned around for the better. Huzzah for Disney magic!
...And yeah, the way I see it, there's no such thing as an objective report on the true nature of existence. All you have is your own experience of the world. If you choose to believe that life on Earth can be fulfilling and meaningful, then that will be your experience. The universe isn't going pop out from around a corner and shout "HA! Sucker! You guessed wrong!"
If there's no way to find out which perspective is right, you might as well go for the one that makes you happy. This is what I tell myself. ^^;
P.S. This is also a theory with which I'm inclined to agree.
no subject
See, I think it's the little things like that, small moments of happiness and making someone's life better (inside and outside of Disney!) that give "meaning" to being. It doesn't seem like much, because it's always so easy to see the bad crap that people do. But all those little things add up into something that, collectively, really is meaningful, probably the most meaningful thing that...can be meaned. XD;
And in my mind, the very fact that everyone is predicting/expecting the world to end in 2012 is the exact reason why it's NOT going to end in 2012. XD;
There's even Biblical backing for why not?!no subject
Anyway, it's cool what you're doing there at Disney World. I Know I don't really comment in your journal and we don't really talk but I'm around.