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Ficbitch: "Dreaming Of Our Love", chapter 1, by CrystalRose3
Right, then, here we have an extra-special ficbitching. For this, my dear friends, is none other than the fanfic from which my Ryou-in-a-coma plotbunny (which I affectionately call The Fricking Angstbunny) was inspired.
Now, I remembered nothing about this fic but the premise and the vague impression that it hadn't been very well-written. So out of curiosity, I went and found it again.
I had completely forgotten just how awful it was.
To be quite fair, the premise is very interesting. It's an AU, where at a certain crucial moment in volume 2, Dee actually did shoot Ryou. Ryou survived but went into a coma for seven years. From then on, FAKE timeline as we know it was all a construction of Ryou's unconscious mind while.
Now, that would be a fascinating premise in the hands of a good author. Seeing the way Ryou deals with reality when he wakes up, and the way the other characters have changed... it would be very cool to read, if a capable author had written it.
CrystalRose3 is... sadly, not so capable.
A look at the summary warns us just how SPESHUL this fic is going to be:
What If In The Crucial Moment. Dee Actually Had Shot Ryo And All Of Ryo's Memories After That Are The Makings Of His Comatose Mind. Will Things Be The Same Between Them When He Wakes Up? Especially Since In His Mind They've Been Lovers For Years Since
Capitalizing Every Word In Your Summary Is Important. Correct Punctuation. Is Not Important So You Can Ignore It.
Oh, but wait, it gets better.
I remember hearing the shot rang out and I’ll admit that if only for a second, Between the raging fire in Dee’s eyes and the sudden heart sick feeling that gripped my heart when he yelled we weren’t partners anymore. I… I almost wish he had shot me.
Oh, wow. In the first paragraph, we have a run-on sentence, random Capitalization, tense switches, improper punctuation, and lavender prose. Heavens me.
Where else would a heartsick feeling grip you? Your ankle?
I remember He asked me if I was okay and I could hardly whisper through my nearly paralyzed lips that I was in fact, okay in the physical sense.
In the words of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
skinship: "Dude! God just spoke to Ryou!"
Ryou: I am in fact, okay in the physical sense. In the mental sense, however, I Seem to be, having some difficulty.
Dee had held me close, tears streaming down his pale flushed skin. I don’t remember how long he stayed there with him whispering the same apologies over and over, slowly running his hand over my back, and telling me he was so full of shit and he didn’t know what he’d do without me. Yet still… all I could do was blink and force words to fall from my lips yet I don’t remember what they were or even if I had the breath behind them so they were heard or not.
...Pale flushed skin? Pale flushed skin? Oh my god! It's The Eye of Argon all over again!
And this is all in Ryou's dream, right? Gosh, he's such a drama queen. So is Dee, actually, I don't remember either of them breaking down like that in canon.
It was amazing how he’d straightened up after that. He quit working in the field as much and worked more with the paper work and filing. He never got bored with it either, he said it made him happy that at least he knew we were both safe.
Oh, good, another "who are you and what have you done with Dee Latener?" moment. I haven't been having enough of those lately.
I can almost let that slide because this is a part of Ryou's dream, and I know that when I dream about people I know, they never act the way they would normally. But, still.
This next part is somehow so horrible that I can not stop laughing.
It was amazing to think of how long ago that was.
3… 4 years? gosh… almost 5 I think.
We’d lived together happily for nearly 3 years then. It was amazingly to think about. All the memories since then that made that moment still heart sickening, but at the same time. Made the both of us realize so truthfully what we felt.
"Amazingly"? That poor adverb! What's it doing there? Are those good-for-nothing adjectives asleep on the job again? Then again, the last two paragraphs started with "It was amazing", maybe the word needed a quick break.
And... what the hell is the timeline here? It was five years ago that Dee shot Ryou, and at that point they had already been living together happily for three years? Gosh, Bikky must be in college and Drake and JJ must have already hooked up by now.
And I admit… I still lie awake sometimes, afraid to go asleep because I’m afraid I’ll dream about it. Then I smile and snuggle up close to Dee, knowing that if I do he’ll comfort me and tell me all over again how much he loves me and I’ll feel that genuine comfort someone who truly loves you can give.
Um... it wasn't really that traumatic, was it? I can fully imagine it was upsetting, but I somehow doubt it's constant flashback material. If you've been living together for God-only-knows-how-many years, being showered with love and that genuine comfort someone who truly loves you can give, wouldn't you kind of... get over it eventually?
Oh, but wait. It's the CRUCIAL MOMENT where Ryou's own little universe spun off, so it's important and dramatic for Ryou to be dwelling on it years later!
But, still, here I am sitting here at the edge of our bed. I’ve made up every excuse to possibly prolong sleeping.
You heard him, folks. He doesn't want to sleep because he might dream about TAHT HORRIBUL MOMENT OMG, yet he's made up every excuse to sleep longer.
Ryou's some kind of dream masochist.
I went to the bathroom, I cleaned the kitchen, I even dusted. Then I got up to get a glass of milk.
Ryou: Then I walked around aimlessly. I stared blankly at the wall for ten minutes. Then I hopped around on one foot with a flower in my ear.
That was currently sitting empty on the night stand next to our bed. I sighed hoping that maybe the medicine I’d taken would kick this headache that’s kept sneaking up on me lately.
OOOOOOOOOOOO. That's OMINOUS FORESHADOWIIIIIING. Look at CrystalRose3 go! She knows all about DRAMA.
After all that, Ryou tells us all about the different types of headaches and how his (a "mind numbing, slight feeling of disorientation", oooooooooo ominous) is different, and what medication the doctor has put him on for it. Then he muses purplishly on how pwetty and sparkly Dee looks in the moonlight, tells us about their plans for the next day, squishes over Dee some more, and uses the word "amazed".
It's too easy. This fic makes fun of itself.
I felt my eyelids growing heavy, and the color patterns in my mind swirled in loving pictures of Dee… and Bikky… Carol… memories of a life well spent and the wish to continue on in this way.
Ryou's been hitting the LSD pretty hard, I see.
Then there's a scene change marked by two tildes, two asterisks, and two more tildes. And then italic text! Lots of italic text! That means this is a DRAMATIC FLASHBACK to TAHT HORRIBUL MOMENT that Ryou doesn't want to dream about!!!1!!11!one
Ahem.
A vice seemed to be tightening on my chest.
Ryou: ::looks down:: Why, there seems to be a vice tightening on my chest. Imagine that.
...Wait. Vice? Which vice was that? Drinking? Gambling? What, has Setzer Gabbiani somehow found his way into the FAKE world and started hitting on Ryou?
Breathing itself was hard to do as soundless words flew from my mouth,
Soundless words? I could be wrong, but isn't sound all that distinguishes words from random air coming out of your mouth?
and tears literally flowed in small streams down my face.
As opposed to figuratively, I guess. Does that mean they carved out little streambeds in his cheeks? Because, you know, ow.
A heavy buzz erased any and all words said. A fuzz hazed out most of the view.
Oh, that's why the words are soundless, it's that damn heavy buzz! Its accomplice, the fuzz, isn't quite as good at obscuring Ryou's vision, so it doesn't get an adjective of its own.
The dream continues, and I could mock it but we'd be here all day. Anyway, Ryou wakes up and gasps and cries and shakes because, gosh, even after all these vaguely counted years it is STILL SO ANGSTY OMG.
I could be wrong, but in canon, wasn't, say, the school bombing incident more traumatic than that?
Wait, I forgot. Drama.
Anyway, Dee's boyfriend senses tingle and he wakes up to comfort Ryou.
"Shhh… it was just a dream… always the same dream… shhh… I’m here for you now… let’s lie down and go back to sleep… shhh… I’m here for you baby." His words calm me and I’ll lean into his chest as he lies back down, his arms still cradling me.
Dee: It's okay, baby. You just had the same nightmare you've been having for a number of years we've been unable to count properly, so let's go right back to sleep while it's fresh in your mind so you might be able to have it again!
Ryou: Your words calm me. I will lean into your chest, switching tenses madly as you lie down.
And as always. I’ll think about the dream again. It never being the dream itself that scares me anymore.
Those poor, poor sentences. All chopped up and mangled. I feel sorry for them.
But, the part that didn’t happen is what scares me. The things I here Dee yelling at me and the fear in his voice. The bright light that washes over me and burns my eyes to look at.
STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
The distant whispers I’ll hear of him before my mind will force my eyes open and I’ll go through the entire panic attack again.
Um... yep, that's awfully scary, all right. Gosh. Those distant whispers, they're downright terrifying.
I never blamed Dee. How could I have? I jumped in front of his gun, and in part, saved his life in doing so. I loved him and it had been that very event that lead us to this happy life we lived now.
Memories of warm spring picnics, and sports games in the park. Cool falls with amazing nights spent under the stars, and cold winters spent huddled close in bed watching the snow fall softly in feathery white pellets against the window sill.
Sentence fragments, floating adrift in a paragraph with nothing to anchor them.
Feathery white pellets? I don't know about anyone else, but when I hear "feathery white pellets" I don't think of snow. What the hell are feathery white pellets?
That always made me smile. Thinking about the now, and I would go to sleep curled up in Dee’s embrace and realize what a lucky man I am, to have him, to have this life. To have my love.
Nothing could ever tear me away from this bed, from his arms… Because
The paragraph cuts off, only to continue dramatically on the next line, in italic text:
No matter what happens… I’ll always love Dee…
OOOOO. Golly gee, isn't that dramatic and foreshadowy? NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And, liek, tihs is al N Ryos' dreem so taht meens he'l haf 2 C wut Dee iz rilly liek now and it's SO DRAMATIC OMG LOL!!!11!1!!eleven
...I shouldn't be able to type like that.
It's tempting to go through and do this whole thing, actually. XD
Now, I remembered nothing about this fic but the premise and the vague impression that it hadn't been very well-written. So out of curiosity, I went and found it again.
I had completely forgotten just how awful it was.
To be quite fair, the premise is very interesting. It's an AU, where at a certain crucial moment in volume 2, Dee actually did shoot Ryou. Ryou survived but went into a coma for seven years. From then on, FAKE timeline as we know it was all a construction of Ryou's unconscious mind while.
Now, that would be a fascinating premise in the hands of a good author. Seeing the way Ryou deals with reality when he wakes up, and the way the other characters have changed... it would be very cool to read, if a capable author had written it.
CrystalRose3 is... sadly, not so capable.
A look at the summary warns us just how SPESHUL this fic is going to be:
What If In The Crucial Moment. Dee Actually Had Shot Ryo And All Of Ryo's Memories After That Are The Makings Of His Comatose Mind. Will Things Be The Same Between Them When He Wakes Up? Especially Since In His Mind They've Been Lovers For Years Since
Capitalizing Every Word In Your Summary Is Important. Correct Punctuation. Is Not Important So You Can Ignore It.
Oh, but wait, it gets better.
I remember hearing the shot rang out and I’ll admit that if only for a second, Between the raging fire in Dee’s eyes and the sudden heart sick feeling that gripped my heart when he yelled we weren’t partners anymore. I… I almost wish he had shot me.
Oh, wow. In the first paragraph, we have a run-on sentence, random Capitalization, tense switches, improper punctuation, and lavender prose. Heavens me.
Where else would a heartsick feeling grip you? Your ankle?
I remember He asked me if I was okay and I could hardly whisper through my nearly paralyzed lips that I was in fact, okay in the physical sense.
In the words of
skinship: "Dude! God just spoke to Ryou!"Ryou: I am in fact, okay in the physical sense. In the mental sense, however, I Seem to be, having some difficulty.
Dee had held me close, tears streaming down his pale flushed skin. I don’t remember how long he stayed there with him whispering the same apologies over and over, slowly running his hand over my back, and telling me he was so full of shit and he didn’t know what he’d do without me. Yet still… all I could do was blink and force words to fall from my lips yet I don’t remember what they were or even if I had the breath behind them so they were heard or not.
...Pale flushed skin? Pale flushed skin? Oh my god! It's The Eye of Argon all over again!
And this is all in Ryou's dream, right? Gosh, he's such a drama queen. So is Dee, actually, I don't remember either of them breaking down like that in canon.
It was amazing how he’d straightened up after that. He quit working in the field as much and worked more with the paper work and filing. He never got bored with it either, he said it made him happy that at least he knew we were both safe.
Oh, good, another "who are you and what have you done with Dee Latener?" moment. I haven't been having enough of those lately.
I can almost let that slide because this is a part of Ryou's dream, and I know that when I dream about people I know, they never act the way they would normally. But, still.
This next part is somehow so horrible that I can not stop laughing.
It was amazing to think of how long ago that was.
3… 4 years? gosh… almost 5 I think.
We’d lived together happily for nearly 3 years then. It was amazingly to think about. All the memories since then that made that moment still heart sickening, but at the same time. Made the both of us realize so truthfully what we felt.
"Amazingly"? That poor adverb! What's it doing there? Are those good-for-nothing adjectives asleep on the job again? Then again, the last two paragraphs started with "It was amazing", maybe the word needed a quick break.
And... what the hell is the timeline here? It was five years ago that Dee shot Ryou, and at that point they had already been living together happily for three years? Gosh, Bikky must be in college and Drake and JJ must have already hooked up by now.
And I admit… I still lie awake sometimes, afraid to go asleep because I’m afraid I’ll dream about it. Then I smile and snuggle up close to Dee, knowing that if I do he’ll comfort me and tell me all over again how much he loves me and I’ll feel that genuine comfort someone who truly loves you can give.
Um... it wasn't really that traumatic, was it? I can fully imagine it was upsetting, but I somehow doubt it's constant flashback material. If you've been living together for God-only-knows-how-many years, being showered with love and that genuine comfort someone who truly loves you can give, wouldn't you kind of... get over it eventually?
Oh, but wait. It's the CRUCIAL MOMENT where Ryou's own little universe spun off, so it's important and dramatic for Ryou to be dwelling on it years later!
But, still, here I am sitting here at the edge of our bed. I’ve made up every excuse to possibly prolong sleeping.
You heard him, folks. He doesn't want to sleep because he might dream about TAHT HORRIBUL MOMENT OMG, yet he's made up every excuse to sleep longer.
Ryou's some kind of dream masochist.
I went to the bathroom, I cleaned the kitchen, I even dusted. Then I got up to get a glass of milk.
Ryou: Then I walked around aimlessly. I stared blankly at the wall for ten minutes. Then I hopped around on one foot with a flower in my ear.
That was currently sitting empty on the night stand next to our bed. I sighed hoping that maybe the medicine I’d taken would kick this headache that’s kept sneaking up on me lately.
OOOOOOOOOOOO. That's OMINOUS FORESHADOWIIIIIING. Look at CrystalRose3 go! She knows all about DRAMA.
After all that, Ryou tells us all about the different types of headaches and how his (a "mind numbing, slight feeling of disorientation", oooooooooo ominous) is different, and what medication the doctor has put him on for it. Then he muses purplishly on how pwetty and sparkly Dee looks in the moonlight, tells us about their plans for the next day, squishes over Dee some more, and uses the word "amazed".
It's too easy. This fic makes fun of itself.
I felt my eyelids growing heavy, and the color patterns in my mind swirled in loving pictures of Dee… and Bikky… Carol… memories of a life well spent and the wish to continue on in this way.
Ryou's been hitting the LSD pretty hard, I see.
Then there's a scene change marked by two tildes, two asterisks, and two more tildes. And then italic text! Lots of italic text! That means this is a DRAMATIC FLASHBACK to TAHT HORRIBUL MOMENT that Ryou doesn't want to dream about!!!1!!11!one
Ahem.
A vice seemed to be tightening on my chest.
Ryou: ::looks down:: Why, there seems to be a vice tightening on my chest. Imagine that.
...Wait. Vice? Which vice was that? Drinking? Gambling? What, has Setzer Gabbiani somehow found his way into the FAKE world and started hitting on Ryou?
Breathing itself was hard to do as soundless words flew from my mouth,
Soundless words? I could be wrong, but isn't sound all that distinguishes words from random air coming out of your mouth?
and tears literally flowed in small streams down my face.
As opposed to figuratively, I guess. Does that mean they carved out little streambeds in his cheeks? Because, you know, ow.
A heavy buzz erased any and all words said. A fuzz hazed out most of the view.
Oh, that's why the words are soundless, it's that damn heavy buzz! Its accomplice, the fuzz, isn't quite as good at obscuring Ryou's vision, so it doesn't get an adjective of its own.
The dream continues, and I could mock it but we'd be here all day. Anyway, Ryou wakes up and gasps and cries and shakes because, gosh, even after all these vaguely counted years it is STILL SO ANGSTY OMG.
I could be wrong, but in canon, wasn't, say, the school bombing incident more traumatic than that?
Wait, I forgot. Drama.
Anyway, Dee's boyfriend senses tingle and he wakes up to comfort Ryou.
"Shhh… it was just a dream… always the same dream… shhh… I’m here for you now… let’s lie down and go back to sleep… shhh… I’m here for you baby." His words calm me and I’ll lean into his chest as he lies back down, his arms still cradling me.
Dee: It's okay, baby. You just had the same nightmare you've been having for a number of years we've been unable to count properly, so let's go right back to sleep while it's fresh in your mind so you might be able to have it again!
Ryou: Your words calm me. I will lean into your chest, switching tenses madly as you lie down.
And as always. I’ll think about the dream again. It never being the dream itself that scares me anymore.
Those poor, poor sentences. All chopped up and mangled. I feel sorry for them.
But, the part that didn’t happen is what scares me. The things I here Dee yelling at me and the fear in his voice. The bright light that washes over me and burns my eyes to look at.
STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
The distant whispers I’ll hear of him before my mind will force my eyes open and I’ll go through the entire panic attack again.
Um... yep, that's awfully scary, all right. Gosh. Those distant whispers, they're downright terrifying.
I never blamed Dee. How could I have? I jumped in front of his gun, and in part, saved his life in doing so. I loved him and it had been that very event that lead us to this happy life we lived now.
Memories of warm spring picnics, and sports games in the park. Cool falls with amazing nights spent under the stars, and cold winters spent huddled close in bed watching the snow fall softly in feathery white pellets against the window sill.
Sentence fragments, floating adrift in a paragraph with nothing to anchor them.
Feathery white pellets? I don't know about anyone else, but when I hear "feathery white pellets" I don't think of snow. What the hell are feathery white pellets?
That always made me smile. Thinking about the now, and I would go to sleep curled up in Dee’s embrace and realize what a lucky man I am, to have him, to have this life. To have my love.
Nothing could ever tear me away from this bed, from his arms… Because
The paragraph cuts off, only to continue dramatically on the next line, in italic text:
No matter what happens… I’ll always love Dee…
OOOOO. Golly gee, isn't that dramatic and foreshadowy? NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And, liek, tihs is al N Ryos' dreem so taht meens he'l haf 2 C wut Dee iz rilly liek now and it's SO DRAMATIC OMG LOL!!!11!1!!eleven
...I shouldn't be able to type like that.
It's tempting to go through and do this whole thing, actually. XD
no subject
Oh, goodie, I am loved. :D I will go through it, then. <3