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Expecting Another, by KawaiiJade
I, like the rest of us here, suffer from what is sometimes called "train wreck syndrome". No matter how godawful something looks, no matter how definitely it promises to stamp on my brain and break my soul, I am compelled to look at it. Sometimes, God help me, I even go looking for this kind of stuff.
Of course, that's why I'm a ficbitch. But oh sweet pale waltzing fish, does it ever cause me pain.
A casual glance at the front page of Mediaminer provided me with THIS. The writing is atrocious, certainly, but that's not the main reason for my convulsions of horror...
Ryo and Dee are happily married for three years now. Bikky and Cal are madly in love with each other. Life seems perfect for the four. That is until Ryo feels sick. Dee doesn’t know what’s wrong but has an idea. He takes Ryo to a hospital. When the results come back there very unexpected.
That summary, combined with that title, led me inevitably to this horrible conclusion: We have a second FAKE mpreg on our hands.
Ryo awoke to dark messy black hair, scattered over closed emerald eyes, hugging the man of his dreams.
Why, KawaiiJade, why stop there? Go on, indulge in some more redundancy. Was it dark, messy, ebony, raven-colored, obsidian, onyx black hair?
The construction of that sentence makes me weep. For all I know, there could be giant closed eyes carved out of emeralds with black hair strewn over them, while some faceless and nameless entity nearby hugs the man of Ryou's dreams.
Dee MacLean, formally known as Dee Latner. The blonde smiled as the golden band on Dee's finger, which lay on the pillow by Ryo's face shined as the morning sun hit it. The married couple just spent the night before with a romantic dinner, (Ryo cooked), and hot love making to remind them of their evenly romantic relationship.
*sighs and hauls out the red pen* Okay, we have a misspelled name, an incorrect adverb, a gender-inappropriate adjective, a missing comma, and an incorrect conjugation just in the first two sentences of the paragraph. Then there's awkward sentence structure, an unnecessary parenthetical remark, and...
...
...what the fuck is "evenly" supposed to mean?! Is their relationship only romantic in the evening? Is it not an odd number? Is it spread over toast?
`God it's been what three years now when Dee and I got married? ` Ryo smiled snuggling closer to Dee's sleeping form. `And I don't regret any of our time we spend together. ` Ryo sighed as he looked up at the clock on Dee's end table.
Well, gee, Ryou. I should HOPE you don't.
It was 6:00am and the two had to still go to work at 7:30am. Without hesitation Ryo shook Dee softly, encouraging the man to wake up. "If you haven't forgotten we are still New York cops and we have to work today."
Dee: Wow! We are?! I thought we'd mysteriously turned into ballet dancers overnight!
Dee's eyes slowly fluttered open at the sound of Ryo's nagging voice. He softly whispered, "Baby I love you…but sometimes you yak too much." Sighing Dee threw his head deep into the covers as his blonde husband let in the light.
Somebody should go tell this poor author that commas are friendly, harmless, and there for her use.
Since when was Ryou nagging, anyway? I thought he was just being the responsible partner.
Ryo inhaled deeply liking how the sun shined down on his face. He walked towards their bathroom door, turning once again to Dee. "Please wake up Dee You can take a shower after I'm done and meet Bikky and I for breakfast."
KawaiiJade. Honey. Dearest. Sugarcake. You do not have to ration your punctuation. Trust me on this. I mean, let me introduce you to Mr. Period, at least.
Dee moaned as he heard the bathroom door shut. "If he said, "let's take a shower together", I would have been fully awake." Dee yawned as he sat up rubbing the sleep away from his eyes.
A smile crossed his face and once again Dee fell back into the mattress sound asleep. In the shower Ryo braced his hands on the tile walls, sighing as the comforting hot water fell down his neck towards his back.
Whoa, hello unannounced scene change!
Washing himself and rinsing off, Ryo turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He wrapped a burgundy towel around his slim waste before walking out of the medium sized bathroom only to stop in his tracks at the heartwarming sight before him.
... The mental images this paragraph gives me, due to one little misspelling, cannot be printed. Waist, KawaiiJade.
As he suspected, Dee was laid out on the bed covers barely covering his naked body.
Can I buy some commas? Please? I cannot parse that sentence properly without them.
Ryo couldn't help but blush when his gaze traveled down to where the covers did not cover. The image of Dee's tanned ass just out there and naked with glory was making Ryo hot. Then an evil idea came to him. Ryo smiled as he walked over to Dee. He clenched Dee's ass check, immediately awaking his dark haired husband.
Where the covers do not cover, Dee's ass is naked with glory! That sounds like it should be some kind of bad superhero porn.
....Dee's ass check! *falls over laughing* What, did the ass inspector come by and approve Dee's ass or something?
"What the hell?!!" asked Dee sitting up covering every exposed part of his body to the intruder.
Ryo laughed. "Hold on Dee it's just me." His laughed deepened as the blonde grasped his stomach. "Since now that your awake…go take a shower!!"
I don't think there's any help for that paragraph. I hereby pronounce it dead on the scene.
"Oh…so demanding. Okay if you insist." Dee pulled back the covers and approached the bathroom as Ryo left towards the kitchen fully dressed.
Ryo smiled as he saw an eighteen year old Cal standing near the stove with his fifteen year old son sitting at the table waiting for his breakfast. "Hello, Cal." He welcomed, kissing her cheek. "When did you get here?"
Ryou kept a number of eighteen-year-old Cals in his closet, just in case he ran out. You can never be too prepared.
.5 of a point to the author for using the proper spelling of Cal's name. I concede that much.
"Good morning Ryo. Breakfast?" she asked holding up the plate of French toast to his chest. Cal tried to avoid the question and it was working.
Cal's the one who cooked it, why is she asking Ryou if it's breakfast? And it was an innocent enough question, why is she trying to avoid it?
"Don't mind if I do." He smiled taking the plate. Ryo walked over to the table passing the hallway again smiling when he heard the shower cut off.
"Good morning Ryo." Bikky greeted as his adopted father sat across from him. "Wow Ryo you look handsome, your defiantly working that dress shirt."
...Frith, I am so confused. It sounds like Ryou is making the dress shirt work for him, in defiance of some higher authority. Saying nothing of the fact that Bikky just used the word "handsome" to describe his dad.
*ponders the implications of that for a second, shudders in horror and moves on*
Ryo sighed and Cal joined her boyfriend at the table eyeing him confusingly. "Alright Bikky what do you want?"
Quick, Bikky! Equip a Ribbon! She's trying to cast Confu on you! Well, damn - I hope Ryou has enough MP to cast Esuna.
Bikky's mouth opened in a movement of shock but his face didn't show to be dumbfound. "I'm shocked. Is it not normal for me to give complements to you?" Ryo looked at him, chewing his breakfast then swallowing it. "Okay…okay. I need to borrow 200 bucks."
Oh, I see! Bikky was trying to butter Ryou up to get money. It makes sense now - which is unfortunately more than I can say for the actual narrative.
Ryo choked on his food. After clearing his throat Ryo answered, "And why the hell do you need 200 dollars for?!"
Bikky begun to answer but was stopped by Dee. "Bikky whatever you need the money for here you go." Dee threw two one hundred bills at Bikky's head. "Come on Ryo were going to be late for work. We don't want to make the bagged mad."
The... bagged?
They're working for a mysterious entity trapped in a bag now?
...Sadly enough, that would actually fit in with this strange universe of carved emerald eyes and superhero asses.
Cal stood up in protest. "Dee your not going to have some of my French toast?" she asked in a sad tone.
Dee smiled slipping his coat on. He walked towards Cal, hugging her then Dee kissed her head. "Sorry, chick but I have to go."
"Alright…good luck."
Dee laughed as he approached the door with Ryo. `Did she spend the night? ` He asked himself then turned to Bikky. "Oh and Bikky…" Dee looked at Cal and Bikky back and forth. "Use some of that money on protection."
Cal's eyes grew big and her cheeks turned red. "Don't worry Dee if I run out of protection I'll just steal yours and Ryo's." Cal hit Bikky on the back of his head. "Owe I was just kidding."
... WAIT, who SAID THAT? It surely can't have been Bikky, can it?
*reads the preceding paragraph again*
IT IS. AUGH! I mean, okay, it makes sense on a purely practical level, but stealing your dad's condoms that he's using to have sex with his husband?! And... and it's BIKKY! I don't care how comfortable he gets with Ryou and Dee's relationship! It's BIKKY! RYOU AND DEE'S CONDOMS! My BRAIN is escaping out my EAR!
Dee closed the door growling as he clenched his fist smacking them together. "Damn that kid!"
Ryo walked in front of him. Laughing so much his eyes began to water. "Come on Dee…let's go to work."
Yes, LET'S.
Oh, god, how I wish it stopped there. But no. There is another chapter, which is where the actual mpreg part begins. Let me gather my bitchy strength, and I'll tackle that one next.
Of course, that's why I'm a ficbitch. But oh sweet pale waltzing fish, does it ever cause me pain.
A casual glance at the front page of Mediaminer provided me with THIS. The writing is atrocious, certainly, but that's not the main reason for my convulsions of horror...
Ryo and Dee are happily married for three years now. Bikky and Cal are madly in love with each other. Life seems perfect for the four. That is until Ryo feels sick. Dee doesn’t know what’s wrong but has an idea. He takes Ryo to a hospital. When the results come back there very unexpected.
That summary, combined with that title, led me inevitably to this horrible conclusion: We have a second FAKE mpreg on our hands.
Ryo awoke to dark messy black hair, scattered over closed emerald eyes, hugging the man of his dreams.
Why, KawaiiJade, why stop there? Go on, indulge in some more redundancy. Was it dark, messy, ebony, raven-colored, obsidian, onyx black hair?
The construction of that sentence makes me weep. For all I know, there could be giant closed eyes carved out of emeralds with black hair strewn over them, while some faceless and nameless entity nearby hugs the man of Ryou's dreams.
Dee MacLean, formally known as Dee Latner. The blonde smiled as the golden band on Dee's finger, which lay on the pillow by Ryo's face shined as the morning sun hit it. The married couple just spent the night before with a romantic dinner, (Ryo cooked), and hot love making to remind them of their evenly romantic relationship.
*sighs and hauls out the red pen* Okay, we have a misspelled name, an incorrect adverb, a gender-inappropriate adjective, a missing comma, and an incorrect conjugation just in the first two sentences of the paragraph. Then there's awkward sentence structure, an unnecessary parenthetical remark, and...
...
...what the fuck is "evenly" supposed to mean?! Is their relationship only romantic in the evening? Is it not an odd number? Is it spread over toast?
`God it's been what three years now when Dee and I got married? ` Ryo smiled snuggling closer to Dee's sleeping form. `And I don't regret any of our time we spend together. ` Ryo sighed as he looked up at the clock on Dee's end table.
Well, gee, Ryou. I should HOPE you don't.
It was 6:00am and the two had to still go to work at 7:30am. Without hesitation Ryo shook Dee softly, encouraging the man to wake up. "If you haven't forgotten we are still New York cops and we have to work today."
Dee: Wow! We are?! I thought we'd mysteriously turned into ballet dancers overnight!
Dee's eyes slowly fluttered open at the sound of Ryo's nagging voice. He softly whispered, "Baby I love you…but sometimes you yak too much." Sighing Dee threw his head deep into the covers as his blonde husband let in the light.
Somebody should go tell this poor author that commas are friendly, harmless, and there for her use.
Since when was Ryou nagging, anyway? I thought he was just being the responsible partner.
Ryo inhaled deeply liking how the sun shined down on his face. He walked towards their bathroom door, turning once again to Dee. "Please wake up Dee You can take a shower after I'm done and meet Bikky and I for breakfast."
KawaiiJade. Honey. Dearest. Sugarcake. You do not have to ration your punctuation. Trust me on this. I mean, let me introduce you to Mr. Period, at least.
Dee moaned as he heard the bathroom door shut. "If he said, "let's take a shower together", I would have been fully awake." Dee yawned as he sat up rubbing the sleep away from his eyes.
A smile crossed his face and once again Dee fell back into the mattress sound asleep. In the shower Ryo braced his hands on the tile walls, sighing as the comforting hot water fell down his neck towards his back.
Whoa, hello unannounced scene change!
Washing himself and rinsing off, Ryo turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He wrapped a burgundy towel around his slim waste before walking out of the medium sized bathroom only to stop in his tracks at the heartwarming sight before him.
... The mental images this paragraph gives me, due to one little misspelling, cannot be printed. Waist, KawaiiJade.
As he suspected, Dee was laid out on the bed covers barely covering his naked body.
Can I buy some commas? Please? I cannot parse that sentence properly without them.
Ryo couldn't help but blush when his gaze traveled down to where the covers did not cover. The image of Dee's tanned ass just out there and naked with glory was making Ryo hot. Then an evil idea came to him. Ryo smiled as he walked over to Dee. He clenched Dee's ass check, immediately awaking his dark haired husband.
Where the covers do not cover, Dee's ass is naked with glory! That sounds like it should be some kind of bad superhero porn.
....Dee's ass check! *falls over laughing* What, did the ass inspector come by and approve Dee's ass or something?
"What the hell?!!" asked Dee sitting up covering every exposed part of his body to the intruder.
Ryo laughed. "Hold on Dee it's just me." His laughed deepened as the blonde grasped his stomach. "Since now that your awake…go take a shower!!"
I don't think there's any help for that paragraph. I hereby pronounce it dead on the scene.
"Oh…so demanding. Okay if you insist." Dee pulled back the covers and approached the bathroom as Ryo left towards the kitchen fully dressed.
Ryo smiled as he saw an eighteen year old Cal standing near the stove with his fifteen year old son sitting at the table waiting for his breakfast. "Hello, Cal." He welcomed, kissing her cheek. "When did you get here?"
Ryou kept a number of eighteen-year-old Cals in his closet, just in case he ran out. You can never be too prepared.
.5 of a point to the author for using the proper spelling of Cal's name. I concede that much.
"Good morning Ryo. Breakfast?" she asked holding up the plate of French toast to his chest. Cal tried to avoid the question and it was working.
Cal's the one who cooked it, why is she asking Ryou if it's breakfast? And it was an innocent enough question, why is she trying to avoid it?
"Don't mind if I do." He smiled taking the plate. Ryo walked over to the table passing the hallway again smiling when he heard the shower cut off.
"Good morning Ryo." Bikky greeted as his adopted father sat across from him. "Wow Ryo you look handsome, your defiantly working that dress shirt."
...Frith, I am so confused. It sounds like Ryou is making the dress shirt work for him, in defiance of some higher authority. Saying nothing of the fact that Bikky just used the word "handsome" to describe his dad.
*ponders the implications of that for a second, shudders in horror and moves on*
Ryo sighed and Cal joined her boyfriend at the table eyeing him confusingly. "Alright Bikky what do you want?"
Quick, Bikky! Equip a Ribbon! She's trying to cast Confu on you! Well, damn - I hope Ryou has enough MP to cast Esuna.
Bikky's mouth opened in a movement of shock but his face didn't show to be dumbfound. "I'm shocked. Is it not normal for me to give complements to you?" Ryo looked at him, chewing his breakfast then swallowing it. "Okay…okay. I need to borrow 200 bucks."
Oh, I see! Bikky was trying to butter Ryou up to get money. It makes sense now - which is unfortunately more than I can say for the actual narrative.
Ryo choked on his food. After clearing his throat Ryo answered, "And why the hell do you need 200 dollars for?!"
Bikky begun to answer but was stopped by Dee. "Bikky whatever you need the money for here you go." Dee threw two one hundred bills at Bikky's head. "Come on Ryo were going to be late for work. We don't want to make the bagged mad."
The... bagged?
They're working for a mysterious entity trapped in a bag now?
...Sadly enough, that would actually fit in with this strange universe of carved emerald eyes and superhero asses.
Cal stood up in protest. "Dee your not going to have some of my French toast?" she asked in a sad tone.
Dee smiled slipping his coat on. He walked towards Cal, hugging her then Dee kissed her head. "Sorry, chick but I have to go."
"Alright…good luck."
Dee laughed as he approached the door with Ryo. `Did she spend the night? ` He asked himself then turned to Bikky. "Oh and Bikky…" Dee looked at Cal and Bikky back and forth. "Use some of that money on protection."
Cal's eyes grew big and her cheeks turned red. "Don't worry Dee if I run out of protection I'll just steal yours and Ryo's." Cal hit Bikky on the back of his head. "Owe I was just kidding."
... WAIT, who SAID THAT? It surely can't have been Bikky, can it?
*reads the preceding paragraph again*
IT IS. AUGH! I mean, okay, it makes sense on a purely practical level, but stealing your dad's condoms that he's using to have sex with his husband?! And... and it's BIKKY! I don't care how comfortable he gets with Ryou and Dee's relationship! It's BIKKY! RYOU AND DEE'S CONDOMS! My BRAIN is escaping out my EAR!
Dee closed the door growling as he clenched his fist smacking them together. "Damn that kid!"
Ryo walked in front of him. Laughing so much his eyes began to water. "Come on Dee…let's go to work."
Yes, LET'S.
Oh, god, how I wish it stopped there. But no. There is another chapter, which is where the actual mpreg part begins. Let me gather my bitchy strength, and I'll tackle that one next.
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So where's my fucking Spork?